So much for being nice.......

So here I am, waiting at the terminal for Fleur (Daisy's mom, now that i think about it, i think they have a thing for flowers in their family) when this four year old screaming about something not having sprinkles in it to her mom stopped right in front and threw her ice cream at my boots!!!! and they were suede!!!!! then to make it worse her mom comes pulling her away saying 'that's not how to tell someone their shoes are ugly honey'....seriously!!!
and when i thought i couldn't be frustrated any longer here comes Fleur with like a ship load of bags and practically throwing them at my feet!...(what's up with everyone and my feet today?)
"oh L, darling it's been so long' she said as she air kissed my cheeks and then she backed away eyeing me up and down "Please don't tell me your starving yourself, your weight should be the least of your worries" she said in a way that meant 'compared to the rest of your body'
do it for Daisy, do it for Daisy, do it for Daisy i kept telling myself....
"how are you Fleur, you're looking better than ever"
"oh you noticed, good you did cause that grapefruit treatment burned my eyes for days...son much for $400"
"oh"
"you should try it sometime..i think you need" she said as she turned around. I'm going to kill someone and she's old so it wont be that hard.
"so where is your car, i'm so tired"
you wouldn't be when i tie your head to my bumper and drive you around Los Angeles till you die....
wow, didn't know i had that in me.....
"right this way" i said i was thinking to myself..this is going to be a long week.....

So my house is only 30 minutes away from the airport but every twist and turn i made was not good enough for her. i was always too sharp, too slow, almost killed us, would get runned over if i moved any slower. after 30 minutes minutes of torture i finally got home and let me say that I've never felt happier!

"L" she said as I hauled the fourth suitcase inside "where is my room?"
no, oh L is that suitcase too haevy for you, let me help you with that..
"right this way"
i opened the door to the guest room i had prepared for her and all she did was go around it like some obnoxious dog feeling the sheets, probably to make sure it wasn't anything under 600 thread count.
'if i need anything else from i shall give you a ring".....okay, did she just tell me she would give me a ring..what the hell am I? her butler!!!
"uhh..sure, is there anything in particular you want for dinner?' i asked just to be nice, you know.. WWJD
"No offense darling but if i happen to recall the last time you cooked something I contracted salmonella, i suppose we could dine out but then i wouldn't want you to spend money on expensive food when you would probably need it to eat next week" she said with her probably semi-plastic nose in the air.
okay that was just mean, for the record its not my fault her organic eggs failed her and plus it was a damn good chocolate custard!....you just felt really bad afterwards.......
"you know what you're right, i really wouldn't be able to afford to eat at your fancy restaurants cause my paycheck is just so small, living paycheck to paycheck is just so hard..thanks for your concern"
then she walked over to me patting my back "i can imagine how hard it is, you poor child" and with that she patted my cheek and closed the door....
you know i should have asked for $800 or maybe $1000 at least that would partially buy back half of my dignity

This is why your past is never your past.......

Today I had to go to this meeting where I was supposed to pretend i'm vegan and that I care about rabbits' rights. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a supporter of animal violence but really....is it really necessary for us to make animal laws? Animals don't care when i'm driving and they decide to come stand right in front of me (thats when I visit Jersey for Christmas, those stupid deers and birds) just saying. so here i am acting like i really care and supporting my client to drop thousands of dollars for rabbit rights. Its like once your rich and bored anything sounds good to you.

finally got home, changed into my yoga pants (it looked like fun and heard about all that breathing and flexibility stuff, unfortunately its not as easy as it seems...) and started thinking about how in the world would i ever do yoga when my Daisy called

"hey daisy, what's up?'
"ummm...do you remeber when we were eating cookies and cream ice cream and watching The Notebook and you were bawling your eyes out after lucas broke up with you"

before i continue i just want to say...Don't judge me! it was a hard period in my life..i mean he did dump me...but i do have to say that cookies and cream ice cream is the best type of ice cream to eat when your crying because you have to chew the cookie pieces which stop you from saying the stupid things in your head...(just incase you might want to try this in the future)

"yes daisy, i don't think you would ever let me forget"
"well, you remember when you about to pass out on your sofa after we danced and sang alone to your whole taylor swift album"
" i think i do...stop killing me daisy, where are trying to get to?"
" well you wispered in my ear that whenever i need a huge favor you'll be there"
"errmm..i think i said i'll pay you back but okay....."
"same thing L!"
" so what do you want Daisy?"
"well so basically,mymomiscommingtovisitandi'mgoingonaconferenceandIwon'tbehereforthefirstweeksocanyoutakeherin?"
" what??!"
" please???"
" no!"
'please!!...you owe me!!"
"not that much!!!"

So to let you guys understand ,Daisy's mom is the most irritating, demanding person in the world..she practically bullied me when I spent thanksgiving break at their house in Connecticut!

" NO!"
"come on, you owe me!!!"
" don't do this to me, you know she hates me!!"
" no she dosen't you're being ridiculous right now. out of everyone she chose you to live with!!"

she did?.....I smell deciet!!!

"add a $200 and we'll make a deal"
" I hate you!"
" deal or no deal?"
" I'll pay you when we meet for dinner on wednesday with her meds list and flight details"
"cash only please"
"your lucky we're talking through wires or i'd strangle you right now"
"tsk, tsk, is that the way you talk to your ,monther's caregiver?"
" whatever" and she hung up on me....i should have asked for $300 more....

Cable is actually the root of all evil......(cont.)

"Yeah, I can see that.."
"you know, sometimes i regret ever hiring you. If I needed a mother and housekeeper i could have just hired Van"
"Whatever, you still love me anyways" she sang as she dropped my schedule on my desk with some other files i didn't want to acknowledge.

So I went through the whole day by auto smiling, I probably smiled in court today as my client was being accused and probably smiled through all my swearing at the record company producer. But the tip on the iceberg of my beautiful day was when I was at lunch with one of my clients who is so confused about his life. Never met anyone more pathetic in my life (well except for me, but i'm special). Yes, I know you're waiting to hear who it is and yes, i'm telling. it's the famous Marcus Watson! Yes the guy whom every guy wants to be like. He may look cool, calm and collected but once you get to know him.....you don't even want to know.
Two weeks ago I saved his ass  by helping him organize a press conference for the case of sexual harassment from his backstage dancer, I even wrote his speech for him! and now how does he repay me? Yeah, by sending me a freaking snow globe of the old Twin Towers in my office!!
And now you know what? He needs me! and you know what for? for being a stupid ass! He and Celine Dion were working in the same studio but they both went on a lunch break around the same time. while every normal person would have had LUNCH or maybe just sat around and chilled a bit, he had to be special by bring out his liter flask of Jack Daniels. Way to go! And then he walked into the studio drunk and instead of going to his booth he went to Celine's therefore starting singing her lyrics in his tune and the producer liked it so much better than the original but to Celine it meant war. (Don't ask me how it happened...) So now she's suing him for stealing her song even though we explained it to her she still didn't want to listen. I never thought I'll see the day I would be fighting against a Canadian. And my job here is......? Making him look good in court even though he is the biggest fool on earth. And I love Celine! I have all her albums even when she was thirteen!! and I have no idea how French works!

So I guess you can say my day went super fantastic!

But, then I got home and it got even worse. I went straight to my fridge because i was starving and as usual there was nothing in it. So I had to force myself to get in the car to go buy some groceries. So still in my work clothes and heels, i was at the produce section when this guy walked right past me. At first it was his cologne that hit (I love men that wear cologne!), then it was his hair, then when he turned around he was so beautiful and then he was looking at me! Not only was he just looking at me but he was looking at me with the look that says 'I'm-looking-at-you-but-i-don't-want-you-to-know-I-am-looking-at-you'. And he had those blue eyes too!..sigh...But alas, he wasn't looking at me because he said (with an Australian accent!!) that  I should probably look at my crisp white shirt and there it was, right in the middle, this medium sized blob of crusty spaghetti sauce from lunch..so i basically had that on me all day.....ewww.... So in my humiliation I said a thank you and walked away but at least I left with some dignity because I think he was checking out my legs....

Cable is actually the root of all evil.....

So I was sitting at my desk, scraping the bottom of my third McDonald's yogurt parfait when my intercom beeped.
"What is it Jess?" I asked
"Just wanted to give a review of your schedule today, are you ready"
If my paycheck wasn't a necessity I would have said no but hey! I'm still paying for my new Mercedes.
"Bring it on"
"Coming right over" she said then hung up.

The worst part of it all is that i'm so depressed today. My mun would tell me to get over it and find myself a man but i don't need my my mom telling me what to do! Well, ever since that wedding (God that almost killed me) I've been looking at my friends, co-workers, employees and I can't help but feel left out you know, like why is everyone else finding someone except from me Don't i deserve love too?(don't answer that). You know  what my mom said this time? she said I should audition to be on Tough Love! and i was like hell no! as if the Bachelorette isn't bad enough....(for those of you who don't know what these shows are, Google it then you would understand where i'm coming from....especially Tough Love....)
I think it's because she just recently got HD cable, she thinks she knows everything now. even worse, she thinks she can cook just because she watches the Food Network now....hahahahahaha!

"So here it is, Mark Lewinsky needs you to help him out with the case of the Mobil worker suing him for assault and rape charges. Also Sarah Chaplin needs to talk to about her album cover, claiming that it wasn't what she signed for and for the grand finale, how are you this morning since i can see you are on your fourth parfait right now?"
If only she knew how close i am to starring on Tough Love.....
"It's just one of those days"....yeah right.

Don't you just love stupid people............

So I'm here in my office with my legs up on my desk listening to lately by Tyrese and scraping the bottom of a parfait cup when my intercom beeped....
"yes Jess?"
"just reminding you that you have a court hearing in a hour, just in case you want a head start"

'thanks hun.....i'll get right to it"

"k"

i really don't want to go to court but what can i do.........who am i kidding?...i am so ready for this!...time to show him who's the boss...i guess i should calm down.

so as for stupid people, about two weeks ago the weirdest thing happened......my cousin got arrested. yes, i know, how awful....blah, blah, blah but the funny thing is that to us this is freaking awesome! even my mom and dad were super excited when they were relaying the incident to me.....

okay, let me explain, my family is full of a buch of goody two-shoes that if your caught trying to evade taxes by using uncle Jeremy's charity its a huge deal!....i mean if you can find a way, why not use it?

anyways, i digress..so, he was caught stealing an ATM! oh my goodness...when i heard the news you should've seen me! i don't think i've ever laughed that hard. who the hell steals an ATM!? and even worse he said he stole it, not because it had money but because the blue and red Bank of America theme was perfect for the color scheme of his 'man loft'! are you kidding me! i always knew we had retarded people in my family...they were just waiting for the right moment. even Daisy was like 'it's about time!'

back to the courtroom....

you know, i think the most annoying thing right after cyclist on the road are arrogant, cocky bastards....yeah and Lucas is like the king of them all. you should have seen him, walking into the courtroom looking like he had it all under control...argghhh...he's so annoying...

(hey, if im boring you with my rant, this is my blog and i made it to rant!!)

long story short...four long hours later with two breaks in-between, I won!!!...hell yeah!!!...i showed that bastard!!! and yes, it feels awesome!..

then after we were done and i was packing up my files in my briefcase when he sauntered over and whispered in my ear

'you may have won this battle but you haven't won mine'

oh...the nerve!!!!....

'i'm sorry am i lost or are you confused? there is no battle, baby cause we're done!..so do me a favor and back off!...i heard your partner's secretatry is ready for the taking'

and with that i locked my breifcase and walked out. today was a good day and he's not going to kill it for me....now where are my four best friends when i need them?

missed me?

okay i know i said i would keep you guys posted but a lot of stuff have been going on and work isn't helping.........



well the wedding was definitely worth going to. the craziest stuff happened there. it was like a freakin circus. first of all it started all peaceful and quiet and then the point came when the priest was like who here dosen't want these two to be joined and two guys jumped up (i didn't even have to do anything! talk about luck) one was like he fell in love with her when they slept together two weeks ago, which from what i later found out, she was supposedly at a career fair for her company at Perpperdine university. and the other guy claimed that he couldn't just give up on her after they broke up two months ago. which if i can recall they have been dating for is it six or five months now? and they were exclusive. wow, what a day for the groom.....i was just laughing my ass off. you see ladies, karma does it all for you. don't try and play even with your ex like paying him back because karma is just so funnier and plus you get front row seats! you should have seen his face! lol..it still cracks me up just thinking about it!


well you can guess what happened from there, his mom got all upset and what not, the brides family left in disgrace and her friends called her stuff like slut and cheap white trash and what not and only two friends stayed behind to comfort her, too bad she didnt think of buying waterproof mascara, you wouldn't have wanted to see her face. oh who i'm i kidding, she was still gorgeous with two black sttreaks running down her face, who looks that good crying?


but anyways party went downhill and the groom, a.k.a ex was in a chair, drinking striaght from the bottle his third vodka bottle...that's when you know he is so close to commiting suicide. so as a good friend i went up to him to give some support.....even though Van didn't even let me go until i tricked her that Whitney Port just walked passed us, which worked since the bride's mom is friends with Nicolle Miller so there were some famous people around...



after five minutes of chit-chat he finally opened up saying how much he loved her and how cliche it all turned out...poor guy and i went to give him a hug and then he just looked at me for like a minute and said '' i'm gonna hate myself later for this" and he just kissed me right there. well at first it felt good but then he started digging his tougue down my throat which to me is a big no no.

so i pushed him back and for someone who wanted this to happen was very angry, not for the fact he kissed me but the fact that it just came to me six minutes into it that he said he was going to regret it later.....what did he think i was? a rebound chick not to mention the fact that i allowed him to feel me up......i knew i shouldn't have had those jungle martinis.....

well i couldn't slap him since we were both partakers so i just picked my coat, got van and left.....

lesson learnt?

leave exes alone!

......use it as a facial rub.......

okay, so tomorrow is the wedding and I am soo not ready for this....i just got the invitation in mail some days ago and you should have senn their picture on the cover...she's like gorgeous... and that did not make me feel better..its like the world is just getting sicker everyday....how come everyone is getting married, having beautiful babies and cnt even handle a date! Just last week, i was at the mall with daisy. We were at Nordstrom and we were looking at boots and then I noticed this guy checking me out, my first reaction was to smile back at him seductively but then it occured to me what type of guy comes to the shoe section of Nordstrom and then lo and behold..he was shopping with his girlfriend........I felt so disgusted, you know its so depressing when you can't get a single decent guy, that dosent want you for your wallet....sigh...oh well, i did hear that people find love when they are not looking for it...then it just happens....yeah right!..okay don't let me bore with my outlook on love......my life is just sad...don't pay it any mind. But let me end with this with some advice, from my..is it 27 yrs already? well with my experience i've found out that its always the good guys that are either taken, gay or poor and still can't imagine living without their mom, at the age of 30...sick...so just be careful. and yes this is from experience.

Anyways, i got my sexy, little black number for tomorrow and i got Van to help me dress up and be my escort to the wedding, I mean just incase I get tempted to do anything terrible..like confess how much I love him or by trying to get him to kiss me....I know...but I have mentioned that I am a sad person...so I got back up.
hopefully it wouldn't go as bad as I think it would...wish n me luck and of course I'll tell what happened..